Keep Your Dreams Alive

A little girl with bright blue eyes,

had hopes and dreams as high as the skies.

Thinking the world was full of good,

quickly she learned she was misunderstood.

She hoped and thought the best,

of the people in her life, the permanent ones and even the guests.

Time after time these people let her down, 

She feels like a fool, somebody's clown.

Why oh why does she let these people inside

to take up space when it's her life to decide.

A woman of dignity and of grace

what people think of her is none of her business and not her place.

One day she knows she will find that inner peace 

and the anxiety and fear will finally cease.

Everyday that passes she only gets stronger

criticism and judgements will affect her no longer.

What she thinks is important and matters

If only the negative committee in her head would stop the chatter.

As long as she keeps her side of the street clean

She will one day find that place that is serene.

A day at a time, that's what they say,

get out of her head and out of her own way.

That little girl has grown inside and out

and still has big dreams in a world full of doubt.

Though the road she is on is not an easy one 

she will trudge through the mud so that the fear has not won.

Keep on keeping on

towards the light, which shines upon.

Work in Progress

"I used to walk into a room full of people and wonder if they liked me, now I wonder if I like them." 

My first go with Al started ten years ago.  I was a young, shy, nieve girl who was incredibly uncomfortable in her own skin. Ed was my escape for the previous years because drinking wasn't an option for me growing up. However, the first time I had a drink this sudden sense of relief came over me. Something in my brain just clicked and it was like a miracle medicine for me. Then for the next ten years I chased, fought, and defended to get that feeling no matter what it took. I am able to look back now and see what I was trying to medicate was my undiagnosed anxiety. For years I figured everyone was given some kind of manual on life and my copy was left at the printer. In college, parties, family functions, dating, or any event I never felt okay being me. I constantly criticized everything I said or did around others. I always felt judged and never good enough. That was until I discovered Al. Al taught me how to have confidence and talk to others. Al showed me how to be comfortable in my own skin. Al worked and he worked very well. In college it was "acceptable" to drink the way I did, or at least I thought it was. That was the first time I justified my drinking, but it certainly wasn't my last. I assumed it was an okay thing to do because if I didn't drink I would be nervous. I specifically remember sitting in my car telling myself I am positive I'm not the only person that does this.  And the truth is I am probably not the only one.  In fact they have this amazing program known as AA and there are lots of people who have done similar things. However, is it "normal..." not so much. In fact, a lot of things Al told me to do were not normal, but since he took away my anxiety I never questioned him or blamed him for the added chaos in my life. When relationships were ruined it was their fault not Al's. When I would get into fights it was because people didn't know how to mind their own business. No matter what, it was NEVER Al's fault. I rationalized that since I was the one drinking or acting out, then the only one that would get hurt was me. It did not matter that my family was constantly worrying about me, or that ten year relationships were destroyed, or that my bank account was drained, it still only affected me. "There's a saying "all good things must come to an end." Only, the ironic part is he never was good for me, but I finally was able to see a glimmer of his damage. After all the time and energy I put into him, Al was betraying me. He stopped working like he used too, or I needed more of him to get the affect I was looking for. The confidence he once gave me turned into paranoia. Instead of going our I started to isolate and drink alone. Everything I wanted in life I was doing the opposite. Flash forward years later I wound up in a treatment center in Florida thinking to myself "how in the hell did I get here?!" Like it was some big mystery.  I remember trying to convince myself I wasn't bad enough to be there.  In AA they tell us we have built in forgetters, and that my friends is one of my biggest flaws. I tend to glamorize Al and only remember the good he did while forgetting the turmoil he causes the second I take a sip.  Jails, institutions, and death, this is where Al wants to take me. Luckily, I haven't experienced jail and God willing death either, but I had to go to treatment and it's not like the commercials you see on TV where they massage the disase out of you.  It was one of the hardest times of my life.  During that time I finally came to terms with the fact that I was powerless to Al and could no longer have him in my life. It was no easy decision to give him up, but as long as I am able to wake up each day and not worry about what I did the night before, I know it will be a better day than one associated with Al.

I Am More Than the Mistakes I Have Made

Everyone pretty much has a good understanding of the physical side effects that occur when a person is in a serious relationship with ED and AL, but how about the emotional side effects; or even more importantly what about the relationships that are ruined or hurt as a result.  My relationship with Ed and Al has been going on for 14 long years.  Which means for 14 years I have been lying and sneaking around so that I could keep that relationship alive. To think that I have been lying for fourteen years is sickening to me.  I am a pretty intelligent person and if I had a friend that was a liar, self-absorbed, and untrusting, chances are I would not be their friend for very long.  However, for those 14 years I have been blessed with people in my life that believed in me and have stuck by me.  Throughout that time I always thought those people were out to get me and wanted the worst for me, but boy was I wrong.  I had no idea how much my relationship with Al and Ed effected anyone else but me.  I thought since I was drinking or I was acting out on a behavior I was the only one that could get hurt.  Very far from the truth, but it wasn't until I experienced for myself how someone can be hurt by picking up a drink or acting out, did I realize it.  It happened when I was in treatment, and I believe I had about two months sober at that time.  Anyways, I had become very close with the people I had met, and when one of those people went out, I could finally understand what the people in my life have been dealing with for years.  When I found out that person drank, I felt completely betrayed, hurt, sad, confused, etc.  I could not understand how someone who has everything going for them would throw it away for a drink.  What's that saying.."the pot calling the kettle black."  The people in my life must have said the same thing about me when I was deep in my relationship with Al.  I had a loving family, a healthy baby, great friends, great job, graduated from college, a brand new car, pretty much had everything going for me.  Unfortunately though that was not enough. I was never happy. There was something missing from my life that I thought AL and Ed could fix.  If I could just be more confident, or if I could just lose those ten extra pounds, then maybe I would be happy with myself.  That was never the case, no matter how many pounds I lost, or how confident drinking made me, I was never satisfied.  The people in my life suffered because I was trying to find that instant fix that was never to be found.  I have heard many people say that "you should not regret the past nor shut the door on it," but when I think about everyone I have hurt, it seems like a daunting task.  Today I am trying to mend those relationships and some have been easier to fix than others.  My family has some of the most caring, compassionate, and understanding people.  After everything I have done, after every hole I have dug myself in to, they STILL want to help me and help me see the person they know I can be.  Although I have a lot of making up to do, I wanted to write about how thankful I am that I have these special people in my life.  I know without their support, and also the support from friends, I would not be in the same hopeful state that I am so grateful to be in.  If there is someone that is reading this that is deep in their relationship with ED and/or AL just remember that you are worth a better life.  You DESERVE a better life, and you are not the only one that is affected by the choices you are making.  

Trying to Fit the Part

"You don't look like you have an eating disorder."  Probably the worst statement to make to someone who indeed actually has an eating disorder.  It's like telling an alcoholic, "you can have one, you're not really that bad." Someone like me would feed off of that kind of statement. (no pun intended) Anyways, I was told this by two different people.  Once before going into treatment and then once today. When I heard it months ago, feelings of embarrassment, shame, and disgust came over me.  I was set to go to treatment the next day and because of her comment I was ready to throw in the towel before I ever began. I am someone who is so influenced by what others think, that I was going to let that bother me enough to not go and get the help I so desperately needed.  Granted I have the same kind of distorted thoughts as a girl who is severely underweight, but it was only okay for her to get help because she looked the part.
If there was a group of people in a room, all of different backgrounds, occupations, gender, age, etc and I asked you to point out the alcoholic would you be able to?  The answer is NO! Unless the person is a fallen down drunk it is impossible to tell who is an alcoholic solely based by looking at them.  The same goes for someone with an eating disorder. Someone who is severely overweight or underweight can both suffer from an eating disorder.  The categories expand much farther than just starving yourself.  People can binge eat, binge and purge, over exercise, laxative abuse, diet pills, water pills, and the list goes on.  Although the types of eating disorders differ, the common strand among anyone who exhibits these behaviors are the thoughts that are associated with it.  Since being in treatment I have been given the tools to better handle "triggering" situations.  A trigger is when a situation arises that would cause a person to act out on a behavior.  For instance, today was a triggering situation.  I was told AGAIN that no one would ever know that I had an eating disorder.
However, this time I decided to laugh it off instead of letting ED get the best of me.  The lady that said it has no clue the damage her words could have done.  It's not her fault either, she doesn't have an eating disorder and probably thinks anorexia is the only kind of eating disorder there is.  Normally, I wouldn't have given it much thought, and would have immediately acted out only to be back at square one with the feeling of hopelessness.  Not this time though, I knew she didn't mean anything by it, and she's right I don't look like I have one. I will say it bothered me for a few minutes, but luckily I had my son with me to distract me.  As I was looking at his round belly, and chunky legs all I could think about was how beautiful and perfect he was.  I would never talk to him the way I used to talk to myself, and that is what I have to keep in mind when I am faced with irrational thoughts about myself.   I want to be a good example for my son and teach him to be strong and comfortable in his own skin, so by continuing to practice the skills I have been learning I know that is possible

.

Mean Girls

If I asked you to name three physical qualities that you liked about yourself, think you could do it?  How about even one?  I was asked this question not too long ago by my therapist, and I surprised myself when I couldn't even think of one trait that I liked about myself physically.  There are hundreds of parts that make up the human body and when it came time to name one, just ONE, my mind went blank.    However, if the question was flipped and she asked me to name qualities I DON'T like about myself, I would have no problem coming up with five without even blinking.  My legs are too big, my toes are too long, my stomach isn't flat enough, and don't even get me started on boobs and butt. It's crazy to think how much easier it was for me to trash myself rather than praise the healthy body I was blessed with?  Pay attention to the key word I used in that sentence...healthy.  I chose not to use terms such as skinny or fat because that kind of black and white thinking is what got me here in the first place.  Plus, if I really think about it, given everything I have put my body through, I am lucky to be as healthy as I am.  I have bigger legs because they are muscular from running so much. My stomach will never be completely flat again because I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, and my toes....well who really looks at toes anyways.  What I am trying to get at, is that there is nothing wrong with the way I look.  I am neither skinny nor fat.... I am however an individual.  No one person is made the same way, so why out of the billions of people on this planet they decided for us to choose between being skinny or fat is beyond me!
 Another point I want to mention is the fact that in our society it is much more acceptable to criticize rather than compliment ourselves.  People are able to relate better when your trashing yourself because they will always have something to add about their own flaws.  However, if there was a person praising their body, we would all consider them to be cocky. It's insane! Think back to the movie "Mean Girls;" there is a scene where three of the girls are looking in the mirror, and physically they looked great, yet they were tearing themselves apart. Then there was another girl in the room, Cady, she was the new girl and had not grown up in our culture.  She admits to thinking people were either fat or skinny, but quickly learns that is not the case.  Anyways, each girl goes around and says one trait they don't like and then they  turn to Cady to name something she doesn't like about herself. However, in her case she couldn't think of anything, except bad breath in the morning.  How AWESOME is that?!  I wish that was the mindset I had about myself.  Bad breath is not even a physical flaw...everyone has stank breath in the morning, so good for Cady!  We could all take something from this scene, and that is we need to stop tearing ourselves down because we think it's what we're supposed to do!
They say it takes 21 days to create a habit, so my challenge for you is to think of three things you like about yourself. Next, say those qualities out loud, everyday, for the next 21 days.  If that's seems like a daunting task, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, think about three parts of your body that you are thankful for and say that instead.  I will admit it feels awkward at first, but if you keep at it, it will become a routine for you in no time. Everyday I tell myself I love how my hair looks, I love my eyes, and I love my stomach.  Okay maybe I don't "love" my stomach, but I am thankful to have carried and delivered such a healthy baby, so I'm sticking with that.  If I can come up with three I know you can too!

Goodbye Al

Dear Alcohol,
I call you alcohol but you go by so many other names; life ruiner, crutch, downer, and death.  As much as I loved you, and turned to you with the hope that you would make my life better, I was wrong.  In fact, you did the opposite; you put me in places I never wanted to go, made me act foolishly on numerous occasions and had me contemplate the value of my life one too many times.  I put all of my time and energy into keeping you a major part of my life and in return you left me hopeless and alone.  I isolated from family and friends because they said you were no good for me, but I defended you and refused to believe they were right.  You were nothing but selfish, greedy, and and a facade.  My intentions were for you to make me happy and feel good about myself, and at first you did, but soon you turned me into a weak, selfish, lying, sneak.  For years I kept taking you back, and at the beginning things were better. I felt a sense of relief, and you made my problems seem manageable. Once again I was wrong, the problems that seemed small snowballed, and the bigger they got the faster I wanted to run from them.  You made think I was invincible, and on numerous occasions I put myself and others in harms way.  In addition, the people I associated with when I would allow you back into my life treated me worse than you did, but I continue to let them do so.  I put my faith and trust into you 100% and you just left me broken and alone. I know that this is the end of the road for us, I can't keep your toxic self a part of my life anymore.  I have too much to lose including the people who actually care about me and my well being.  All you ever wanted was to see me dead.  It's a shame more people aren't aware of the destruction you cause when they welcome you into their life.  There is so much wreckage and hurt that comes from you, and I pray they realize that sooner rather than later. I hope to never come in contact with you again, and good riddens.

                                                          Sincerely,
                                                       I am stronger than this

While in treatment they had us write good-bye letters to our DOC (drug of choice).  It was such a surreal experience to say goodbye to something that was apart of my life for so long. It gave me a sense of closure and after reading it out loud I was really able to see the damage alcohol had done. Writing about my experience, strength, and hope has definitely helped in my road to recovery. I have never been good about sharing my thoughts to other people verbally, but when I am able to write about it, everything I am thinking is able to come out.

Challenge Meal

The whole concept sounds silly because when one thinks of food, the word "challenge" does not usually come to mind. I mean there is always the occasional food eating contest but in this case it's not exactly the same type of challenge.  The challenge that lies here is in eating a single serving of food that ED considers to be  "bad," under his strict guidelines of what is and is not acceptable to eat. ED is never silent when it's a challenge meal, and as I'm working on my snack, I notice some of the other girls are having a hard time quieting ED as well.  A typical conversation would be "if I eat this it shows I have no control and I'm going to get fat!" or "I'll eat this but I need to run 5 miles to burn off the calories!" Those are just a few examples of what ED would say during a challenge meal.  Now you're probably thinking that I sound crazy because I'm referring to ED as a person, but keep in mind that I have been dealing with my eating disorder for over 13 years so I have started to distinguish between what I think and what my eating disorder is telling me.  After 13 years I have found that an eating disorder is so much more than just the food. "Just eat." If I had a dollar for everytime I heard that, I would have been able to retire years ago and be living comfortably on my private yacht.  If only it was as simple as just eating.  When a person has an eating disorder it's the thoughts, behaviors, and need to control that makes this disease such a complex problem.  Yes, I am referring to my eating disorder as a disease because I did not ask for it and it's going to take a lot more than "just eating" to recover from it.  When a person has cancer or has been in a bad accident you don't tell them to just deal with it or get over it.  Instead you want to help and make them feel better because you are able to see the physical toll their disease is taking on their body.  An eating disorder is no different only the scars and bruises are on the inside.  Eating disorders, alcoholism, and addictions are considered mental health diseases.  Now I will say that our country as a whole has become more accepting to many controversy topics, but I hope that one day there will not be such a stigma when it comes to a person having a mental health issue.  For years no one knew how unhappy I was and how bad my alcoholism and eating disorder were.  That was mainly due to me thinking it was not an acceptable issue to get help for.  I thought I just had to deal with it or try my best to control it and function like everybody else.  How unfortunate it is that I wasted over a decade of my life trying to pretend that I was okay when I was far from that.    I am truly blessed to have gone into treatment because I have been able to learn the skills and tools to deal appropriately with my disease.  I really want to spread awareness to this matter because I know there are many people out there dealing with similar issues.  I want those people to know that they are not alone, nor do they have to face this battle alone.  

"If it doesn't challenge you, it won't change you."

All About That Bass - Meghan Trainor Parody Cover - (Not About Your Wais...

It's Not About Your Waist




All I can say is thank-you Natty Valencia, you nailed this song! One of the girls in my group played this song for us because the topic of body shaming had come up. What is body shaming and how could "skinny bitches" ever be offended by it? Once upon a time I would have loved to be referred to as a skinny bitch, but lets face it neither words EVER applied to me. Body shaming according to the Walden Behavioral Center states that body shaming is when 1) you criticize your own appearance, through a judgment or comparison to
another person. (i.e.: “I’m so ugly compared to her.” “Look at how broad my shoulders are.”)2) Criticizing another’s appearance in front of them, (i.e.: “With those thighs, you’re never going to find a date.”)3) Criticizing another’s appearance without their knowledge. (i.e.: “Did you see what she’s wearing today? Not flattering.” “At least you don’t look like her!”).
I can speak for myself and probably many others by admitting guilt to all three ways of body shaming. Still I sometimes find it hard to relate to women and men who take offense to being called "too skinny." I remember years ago when my sister was dating a guy and told him that he was too skinny, so he replied with calling her fat. My initial reaction to the comment was disgust; how dare he call me sister fat! However, I can now see where he was coming from. What guy wants to be called too skinny, when society's standards states that men should look lean and muscular?  Society has this ideal image that so many men and women try to live up to, myself included, yet many MANY people fall short.  Calling someone too skinny is just as bad as calling someone fat, and both are considered body shaming.  

I love how Natty takes a different take on the song, "All About the Bass."  When I first heard this song, I was thinking to myself "finally a song I can relate too!"  I never once considered that it would be offensive to other people, because it was encouraging to women who have curves and are ashamed of them.  But then we have the population of women who are naturally skinny and now feel bad because they are being referred to as a bitch for the sole reason of being skinny! Not all skinny women are bitches, I know because I am friends with many of them.  No matter your shape or size ALL women have insecurities, and the lyrics from Natty's song is helping spread awareness about it.  I highly recommend that you share this version of song with people you know that are struggling with body images, or are unaware of how serious this problem really is.  Remember....."Every inch of you is perfect, from the bottom to the top." :)

The Cost of Perfection

"Motivation is a fire from within.  If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn very briefly." - Stephen R. Corey
Chapter 1:
Perfect. A simple, seven letter word that is easier said then done.  It is a hopeless task to achieve, yet today most of us are attempting the impossible.  I myself was included in that group of people wanting perfection, and would have risked it all to achieve it even if that meant risking my life.
I was never the smallest girl growing up; I was not obese, but definitely on the heavy side.  I was always called the fat kid by other students, and it hurt to hear, but it became numb to me after a while.  Food was always my crutch to feel better when I was younger.  There wasn't any problem that a nice chocolate bar couldn't fix.  It wasn't until I was at a pool party, the summer before 9th grade,  that it really sank in that I hated how I looked. My friend was hosting the party and I was so excited to go and hang out with my friends. The whole bathing suit thing never fazed me, I was just excited to have a good time with my friends.  It must not have been more than fifteen minutes after I got there that I felt like a total outsider.  All the girls had on cute two piece bathing suits, and then there was me in my black, one piece. I realized how much better they looked and how awkward I must have looked to be wearing a one piece. I don't know what came over me, but it was one of the worst feelings I have ever felt.  I was there for about an hour when one of the girls decided we should walk down the street to get some ice cream. I on the other hand wanted to crawl under a rock and cry.  As we got ready to go I noticed all of the girls in their short shorts, and cute tops...then there was me in my oversized t-shirt and shorts from Sam's Club.
Something ugly came over me after that and I had to get out of the house, and away from them. I told my friend that I wasn't feeling good, and called my mom to pick me up. As everyone was walking down the street, I started to distance myself from them. Anything was better than standing next to a girl who is a size zero when you're a size fourteen.  My mom picked me up before we got there, and when I got in the car I lost it; the tears left my eyes like I wished the weight would leave my body. I realized that my mother's kisses and hugs were not going to fix things, and then something snapped inside of me.
My eating habits changed a little at a time. At first smaller portions at every meal, but that didn't take the weight off fast enough.  I then began skipping breakfast and lunch, and would binge when I got home from school.  The pain of being hungry was a feeling of accomplishment for me.  I thrived off that feeling; I would see how long I could go without eating before it was necessary.  "Are you eating?" That was an everyday question from my mom.I would always reply with the same thing: "Mom look at me, of course I am eating.

No Matter What....Don't Pick Up the First Drink

Sobriety Survival Kit

1. Bouncy Ball: If you ever fall down, you can always bounce back

2. Eraser: For life's little mistakes

3. Penny: as long as you have one, you will never be broke.

4. Elastic: to stretch far beyond your dreams

5. 100 grand (candy): no amount of money is worth more than your sobriety

6. clock: its never too late to start over again

7. Hugs & Kisses: to remind you that you are loved

I made this kit for the girls I was staying with while I was in treatment, and thought I would share it incase anyone on here is struggling with some kind of addiction.  It sounds silly, but the meaning behind it may save your life.  No matter what your age, gender, occupation, religion, etc is; alcoholism and drug addiction does not discriminate.  I know this because for years I refused to admit that I had a problem with alcohol, and I thought I  could control it.  Well at the age of 27 I came to the realization that alcohol was no longer an option for me.  Oh and a fun fact: I am not a homeless, lowlife bum asking for money on the streets.  I have a respectable job,  a beautiful child, loving family, and some really great friends, but that didn't matter to me when alcohol was in my life.  Now, with 133 days clean I am starting to get a new outlook on life.  This thing called recovery has been quite the experience so far.  Some days I love life and I am so motivated, but I'll be honest it isn't always rainbows and butterflies.  There are days when the world seems so dark that it is hard to see the positive in anything.  However, I heard someone say "if you want a miracle, change your perception."  Short and sweet, but makes a whole lot of sense.  When I am in a funk and want to have a pity party, I have to constantly remind myself what I am thankful for, and though that is tough to do at times, practice makes perfect.  Change is never easy, but the alternative is far worse.  At least with change I know something positive will eventually come out of it if I put in the time and effort.

Divorcing ED

I was so young, innocent, and vulnerable,
You  told me to listen to you, so I would feel comfortable.
Your words gave me a new outlook; I even had hope,
It was my go-to plan; it was my way to cope.
Soon I started to lose more than just the weight,
My self-worth soon turn into self-loathing and hate.
You made my values revolve around numbers and sizes,
I put my body through hell, when left to my own devices.
Years I spent being a slave to you,
I took the words you said as gospel and to be true.
Cunning, baffling, powerful...that is exactly what you are,
Beating and breaking me down only to be left emotionally scarred.
Still, you promise me each time will be better than the next,
So I fall trap to your lies and believe this is the life I need to accept.
However, something has happened that neither of us planned on,
Something much bigger than our destructive bond.
A life filled with promise, faith, and love,
One where you're not welcomed or a part of.
Take this message as my final goodbye,
No more chances, excuses, or lies.
I don't even want to wish you well,
Because all you ever did was cause my life hell.
Good ridden is the thought that comes to mind,
So consider this our divorce that has been sealed and signed.

November 14, 2014