My first go with Al started ten years ago. I was a young, shy, nieve girl who was incredibly uncomfortable in her own skin. Ed was my escape for the previous years because drinking wasn't an option for me growing up. However, the first time I had a drink this sudden sense of relief came over me. Something in my brain just clicked and it was like a miracle medicine for me. Then for the next ten years I chased, fought, and defended to get that feeling no matter what it took. I am able to look back now and see what I was trying to medicate was my undiagnosed anxiety. For years I figured everyone was given some kind of manual on life and my copy was left at the printer. In college, parties, family functions, dating, or any event I never felt okay being me. I constantly criticized everything I said or did around others. I always felt judged and never good enough. That was until I discovered Al. Al taught me how to have confidence and talk to others. Al showed me how to be comfortable in my own skin. Al worked and he worked very well. In college it was "acceptable" to drink the way I did, or at least I thought it was. That was the first time I justified my drinking, but it certainly wasn't my last. I assumed it was an okay thing to do because if I didn't drink I would be nervous. I specifically remember sitting in my car telling myself I am positive I'm not the only person that does this. And the truth is I am probably not the only one. In fact they have this amazing program known as AA and there are lots of people who have done similar things. However, is it "normal..." not so much. In fact, a lot of things Al told me to do were not normal, but since he took away my anxiety I never questioned him or blamed him for the added chaos in my life. When relationships were ruined it was their fault not Al's. When I would get into fights it was because people didn't know how to mind their own business. No matter what, it was NEVER Al's fault. I rationalized that since I was the one drinking or acting out, then the only one that would get hurt was me. It did not matter that my family was constantly worrying about me, or that ten year relationships were destroyed, or that my bank account was drained, it still only affected me. "There's a saying "all good things must come to an end." Only, the ironic part is he never was good for me, but I finally was able to see a glimmer of his damage. After all the time and energy I put into him, Al was betraying me. He stopped working like he used too, or I needed more of him to get the affect I was looking for. The confidence he once gave me turned into paranoia. Instead of going our I started to isolate and drink alone. Everything I wanted in life I was doing the opposite. Flash forward years later I wound up in a treatment center in Florida thinking to myself "how in the hell did I get here?!" Like it was some big mystery. I remember trying to convince myself I wasn't bad enough to be there. In AA they tell us we have built in forgetters, and that my friends is one of my biggest flaws. I tend to glamorize Al and only remember the good he did while forgetting the turmoil he causes the second I take a sip. Jails, institutions, and death, this is where Al wants to take me. Luckily, I haven't experienced jail and God willing death either, but I had to go to treatment and it's not like the commercials you see on TV where they massage the disase out of you. It was one of the hardest times of my life. During that time I finally came to terms with the fact that I was powerless to Al and could no longer have him in my life. It was no easy decision to give him up, but as long as I am able to wake up each day and not worry about what I did the night before, I know it will be a better day than one associated with Al.
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