I Am More Than the Mistakes I Have Made

Everyone pretty much has a good understanding of the physical side effects that occur when a person is in a serious relationship with ED and AL, but how about the emotional side effects; or even more importantly what about the relationships that are ruined or hurt as a result.  My relationship with Ed and Al has been going on for 14 long years.  Which means for 14 years I have been lying and sneaking around so that I could keep that relationship alive. To think that I have been lying for fourteen years is sickening to me.  I am a pretty intelligent person and if I had a friend that was a liar, self-absorbed, and untrusting, chances are I would not be their friend for very long.  However, for those 14 years I have been blessed with people in my life that believed in me and have stuck by me.  Throughout that time I always thought those people were out to get me and wanted the worst for me, but boy was I wrong.  I had no idea how much my relationship with Al and Ed effected anyone else but me.  I thought since I was drinking or I was acting out on a behavior I was the only one that could get hurt.  Very far from the truth, but it wasn't until I experienced for myself how someone can be hurt by picking up a drink or acting out, did I realize it.  It happened when I was in treatment, and I believe I had about two months sober at that time.  Anyways, I had become very close with the people I had met, and when one of those people went out, I could finally understand what the people in my life have been dealing with for years.  When I found out that person drank, I felt completely betrayed, hurt, sad, confused, etc.  I could not understand how someone who has everything going for them would throw it away for a drink.  What's that saying.."the pot calling the kettle black."  The people in my life must have said the same thing about me when I was deep in my relationship with Al.  I had a loving family, a healthy baby, great friends, great job, graduated from college, a brand new car, pretty much had everything going for me.  Unfortunately though that was not enough. I was never happy. There was something missing from my life that I thought AL and Ed could fix.  If I could just be more confident, or if I could just lose those ten extra pounds, then maybe I would be happy with myself.  That was never the case, no matter how many pounds I lost, or how confident drinking made me, I was never satisfied.  The people in my life suffered because I was trying to find that instant fix that was never to be found.  I have heard many people say that "you should not regret the past nor shut the door on it," but when I think about everyone I have hurt, it seems like a daunting task.  Today I am trying to mend those relationships and some have been easier to fix than others.  My family has some of the most caring, compassionate, and understanding people.  After everything I have done, after every hole I have dug myself in to, they STILL want to help me and help me see the person they know I can be.  Although I have a lot of making up to do, I wanted to write about how thankful I am that I have these special people in my life.  I know without their support, and also the support from friends, I would not be in the same hopeful state that I am so grateful to be in.  If there is someone that is reading this that is deep in their relationship with ED and/or AL just remember that you are worth a better life.  You DESERVE a better life, and you are not the only one that is affected by the choices you are making.