Starting Over: Chapter 1

Over a year ago today I started writing about my journey and the battles between Ed and Al. Looking back I never pictured my life turning out like it has.  I think back to when I first got sober and remember being proud of the person I was becoming. I was starting to gain the trust back from my family and friends, I was doing the next right thing, and most importantly I was sure that I finally got rid of Al and Ed for good!  However, maybe that's where I started to go wrong. That feeling of being over confident and thinking "I got this." I seemed to have forgotten that I have a disease that is progressive and chronic, and the more time I have, the stronger they become.  In fact, it is when I am most content with my life, does Ed and Al decide to waltz back into it.
As I started to get more time under my belt, I was sure that relapse wasn't an option for me. When the friends I had made in treatment and in meetings started going back out, it was devastating. I knew they wanted to be sober just as much as I did.  I saw what good people they had become without drugs and alcohol in their life. The light started to come back into their eyes, and most of them had hope of a better life. To see how far they had come, and give it up so quickly was incomprehensible. I asked myself "how" and "why" so many times. As upsetting as it was, it was a motivation for me to turn out differently and really make something of my life.  I told myself that over and over again and believed it like it was the gospel.
I can't remember when it happened exactly, but at a certain point I started to become complacent, and slowly stopped doing everything I had learned without realizing it. Then, when life started happening on life terms I didn't know how to handle it. I started to resort back to my old ways when unwanted situations arose; act first, think later.  Clearly that worked out as well as you're thinking it did. If my problems seemed too much to handle, I would put all my attention on taking care of others that were just as sick as me. I was romantically involved with people who were just as broken as I was, but thought I was different and it would work some how. "Two sick people do not make a well person." I am able to believe that now, but tried it twice just to make sure the experts were right. Anyways I became so consumed with the other person, that the most important relationship I should have, which was with myself, was pushed to the side. I eventually put all of my time and energy into anything other than working on myself.
Then that dreadful day happened.  All of my hard work, time, promises, hope was gone in the time it took me to open the bottle and drink it.  It sounds dramatic, but that's because it was. What happened to me in a matter of two weeks from picking up the bottle again was very dramatic and cost me so much more than I ever wanted to give up.
At the beginning of this post I included a song that I heard in treatment. It gave me chills the first time I heard it because Macklemore absolutely nails the emotions, thoughts, and hopelessness you feel when your at the end of your rope with everything, and your addiction is in full swing. Luckily, it only took me two weeks to get back to a safe place, but as you will later read, unfortunately my chaos did not end there. However, on a positive note, I am writing about this part of my journey with 5 months clean!  I am so proud of those 5 months because I have never had that amount of time before. Between the marijuana maintenance, or my dabbles with Ed, this is my first time being completely clean of everything for a full 5 months.
Anyways stayed tuned for chapter 2 of Starting Over and this time I am hoping and praying there won't be a chapter 3.  Day at Time my friends.



"That rush, that drug, that dope
Those pills, that crumb, that roach
Thinkin' I would never do that, not that drug
And growing up nobody ever does
Until you're stuck, lookin' in the mirror like I can't believe what I've become
Swore I was gonna be someone
And growing up everyone always does
We sell our dreams and our potential
To escape through that buzz
Just keep me up, keep me up
Hollywood here we come"

Keep Your Dreams Alive

A little girl with bright blue eyes,

had hopes and dreams as high as the skies.

Thinking the world was full of good,

quickly she learned she was misunderstood.

She hoped and thought the best,

of the people in her life, the permanent ones and even the guests.

Time after time these people let her down, 

She feels like a fool, somebody's clown.

Why oh why does she let these people inside

to take up space when it's her life to decide.

A woman of dignity and of grace

what people think of her is none of her business and not her place.

One day she knows she will find that inner peace 

and the anxiety and fear will finally cease.

Everyday that passes she only gets stronger

criticism and judgements will affect her no longer.

What she thinks is important and matters

If only the negative committee in her head would stop the chatter.

As long as she keeps her side of the street clean

She will one day find that place that is serene.

A day at a time, that's what they say,

get out of her head and out of her own way.

That little girl has grown inside and out

and still has big dreams in a world full of doubt.

Though the road she is on is not an easy one 

she will trudge through the mud so that the fear has not won.

Keep on keeping on

towards the light, which shines upon.

Work in Progress

"I used to walk into a room full of people and wonder if they liked me, now I wonder if I like them." 

My first go with Al started ten years ago.  I was a young, shy, nieve girl who was incredibly uncomfortable in her own skin. Ed was my escape for the previous years because drinking wasn't an option for me growing up. However, the first time I had a drink this sudden sense of relief came over me. Something in my brain just clicked and it was like a miracle medicine for me. Then for the next ten years I chased, fought, and defended to get that feeling no matter what it took. I am able to look back now and see what I was trying to medicate was my undiagnosed anxiety. For years I figured everyone was given some kind of manual on life and my copy was left at the printer. In college, parties, family functions, dating, or any event I never felt okay being me. I constantly criticized everything I said or did around others. I always felt judged and never good enough. That was until I discovered Al. Al taught me how to have confidence and talk to others. Al showed me how to be comfortable in my own skin. Al worked and he worked very well. In college it was "acceptable" to drink the way I did, or at least I thought it was. That was the first time I justified my drinking, but it certainly wasn't my last. I assumed it was an okay thing to do because if I didn't drink I would be nervous. I specifically remember sitting in my car telling myself I am positive I'm not the only person that does this.  And the truth is I am probably not the only one.  In fact they have this amazing program known as AA and there are lots of people who have done similar things. However, is it "normal..." not so much. In fact, a lot of things Al told me to do were not normal, but since he took away my anxiety I never questioned him or blamed him for the added chaos in my life. When relationships were ruined it was their fault not Al's. When I would get into fights it was because people didn't know how to mind their own business. No matter what, it was NEVER Al's fault. I rationalized that since I was the one drinking or acting out, then the only one that would get hurt was me. It did not matter that my family was constantly worrying about me, or that ten year relationships were destroyed, or that my bank account was drained, it still only affected me. "There's a saying "all good things must come to an end." Only, the ironic part is he never was good for me, but I finally was able to see a glimmer of his damage. After all the time and energy I put into him, Al was betraying me. He stopped working like he used too, or I needed more of him to get the affect I was looking for. The confidence he once gave me turned into paranoia. Instead of going our I started to isolate and drink alone. Everything I wanted in life I was doing the opposite. Flash forward years later I wound up in a treatment center in Florida thinking to myself "how in the hell did I get here?!" Like it was some big mystery.  I remember trying to convince myself I wasn't bad enough to be there.  In AA they tell us we have built in forgetters, and that my friends is one of my biggest flaws. I tend to glamorize Al and only remember the good he did while forgetting the turmoil he causes the second I take a sip.  Jails, institutions, and death, this is where Al wants to take me. Luckily, I haven't experienced jail and God willing death either, but I had to go to treatment and it's not like the commercials you see on TV where they massage the disase out of you.  It was one of the hardest times of my life.  During that time I finally came to terms with the fact that I was powerless to Al and could no longer have him in my life. It was no easy decision to give him up, but as long as I am able to wake up each day and not worry about what I did the night before, I know it will be a better day than one associated with Al.

I Am More Than the Mistakes I Have Made

Everyone pretty much has a good understanding of the physical side effects that occur when a person is in a serious relationship with ED and AL, but how about the emotional side effects; or even more importantly what about the relationships that are ruined or hurt as a result.  My relationship with Ed and Al has been going on for 14 long years.  Which means for 14 years I have been lying and sneaking around so that I could keep that relationship alive. To think that I have been lying for fourteen years is sickening to me.  I am a pretty intelligent person and if I had a friend that was a liar, self-absorbed, and untrusting, chances are I would not be their friend for very long.  However, for those 14 years I have been blessed with people in my life that believed in me and have stuck by me.  Throughout that time I always thought those people were out to get me and wanted the worst for me, but boy was I wrong.  I had no idea how much my relationship with Al and Ed effected anyone else but me.  I thought since I was drinking or I was acting out on a behavior I was the only one that could get hurt.  Very far from the truth, but it wasn't until I experienced for myself how someone can be hurt by picking up a drink or acting out, did I realize it.  It happened when I was in treatment, and I believe I had about two months sober at that time.  Anyways, I had become very close with the people I had met, and when one of those people went out, I could finally understand what the people in my life have been dealing with for years.  When I found out that person drank, I felt completely betrayed, hurt, sad, confused, etc.  I could not understand how someone who has everything going for them would throw it away for a drink.  What's that saying.."the pot calling the kettle black."  The people in my life must have said the same thing about me when I was deep in my relationship with Al.  I had a loving family, a healthy baby, great friends, great job, graduated from college, a brand new car, pretty much had everything going for me.  Unfortunately though that was not enough. I was never happy. There was something missing from my life that I thought AL and Ed could fix.  If I could just be more confident, or if I could just lose those ten extra pounds, then maybe I would be happy with myself.  That was never the case, no matter how many pounds I lost, or how confident drinking made me, I was never satisfied.  The people in my life suffered because I was trying to find that instant fix that was never to be found.  I have heard many people say that "you should not regret the past nor shut the door on it," but when I think about everyone I have hurt, it seems like a daunting task.  Today I am trying to mend those relationships and some have been easier to fix than others.  My family has some of the most caring, compassionate, and understanding people.  After everything I have done, after every hole I have dug myself in to, they STILL want to help me and help me see the person they know I can be.  Although I have a lot of making up to do, I wanted to write about how thankful I am that I have these special people in my life.  I know without their support, and also the support from friends, I would not be in the same hopeful state that I am so grateful to be in.  If there is someone that is reading this that is deep in their relationship with ED and/or AL just remember that you are worth a better life.  You DESERVE a better life, and you are not the only one that is affected by the choices you are making.  

Trying to Fit the Part

"You don't look like you have an eating disorder."  Probably the worst statement to make to someone who indeed actually has an eating disorder.  It's like telling an alcoholic, "you can have one, you're not really that bad." Someone like me would feed off of that kind of statement. (no pun intended) Anyways, I was told this by two different people.  Once before going into treatment and then once today. When I heard it months ago, feelings of embarrassment, shame, and disgust came over me.  I was set to go to treatment the next day and because of her comment I was ready to throw in the towel before I ever began. I am someone who is so influenced by what others think, that I was going to let that bother me enough to not go and get the help I so desperately needed.  Granted I have the same kind of distorted thoughts as a girl who is severely underweight, but it was only okay for her to get help because she looked the part.
If there was a group of people in a room, all of different backgrounds, occupations, gender, age, etc and I asked you to point out the alcoholic would you be able to?  The answer is NO! Unless the person is a fallen down drunk it is impossible to tell who is an alcoholic solely based by looking at them.  The same goes for someone with an eating disorder. Someone who is severely overweight or underweight can both suffer from an eating disorder.  The categories expand much farther than just starving yourself.  People can binge eat, binge and purge, over exercise, laxative abuse, diet pills, water pills, and the list goes on.  Although the types of eating disorders differ, the common strand among anyone who exhibits these behaviors are the thoughts that are associated with it.  Since being in treatment I have been given the tools to better handle "triggering" situations.  A trigger is when a situation arises that would cause a person to act out on a behavior.  For instance, today was a triggering situation.  I was told AGAIN that no one would ever know that I had an eating disorder.
However, this time I decided to laugh it off instead of letting ED get the best of me.  The lady that said it has no clue the damage her words could have done.  It's not her fault either, she doesn't have an eating disorder and probably thinks anorexia is the only kind of eating disorder there is.  Normally, I wouldn't have given it much thought, and would have immediately acted out only to be back at square one with the feeling of hopelessness.  Not this time though, I knew she didn't mean anything by it, and she's right I don't look like I have one. I will say it bothered me for a few minutes, but luckily I had my son with me to distract me.  As I was looking at his round belly, and chunky legs all I could think about was how beautiful and perfect he was.  I would never talk to him the way I used to talk to myself, and that is what I have to keep in mind when I am faced with irrational thoughts about myself.   I want to be a good example for my son and teach him to be strong and comfortable in his own skin, so by continuing to practice the skills I have been learning I know that is possible

.

Mean Girls

If I asked you to name three physical qualities that you liked about yourself, think you could do it?  How about even one?  I was asked this question not too long ago by my therapist, and I surprised myself when I couldn't even think of one trait that I liked about myself physically.  There are hundreds of parts that make up the human body and when it came time to name one, just ONE, my mind went blank.    However, if the question was flipped and she asked me to name qualities I DON'T like about myself, I would have no problem coming up with five without even blinking.  My legs are too big, my toes are too long, my stomach isn't flat enough, and don't even get me started on boobs and butt. It's crazy to think how much easier it was for me to trash myself rather than praise the healthy body I was blessed with?  Pay attention to the key word I used in that sentence...healthy.  I chose not to use terms such as skinny or fat because that kind of black and white thinking is what got me here in the first place.  Plus, if I really think about it, given everything I have put my body through, I am lucky to be as healthy as I am.  I have bigger legs because they are muscular from running so much. My stomach will never be completely flat again because I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, and my toes....well who really looks at toes anyways.  What I am trying to get at, is that there is nothing wrong with the way I look.  I am neither skinny nor fat.... I am however an individual.  No one person is made the same way, so why out of the billions of people on this planet they decided for us to choose between being skinny or fat is beyond me!
 Another point I want to mention is the fact that in our society it is much more acceptable to criticize rather than compliment ourselves.  People are able to relate better when your trashing yourself because they will always have something to add about their own flaws.  However, if there was a person praising their body, we would all consider them to be cocky. It's insane! Think back to the movie "Mean Girls;" there is a scene where three of the girls are looking in the mirror, and physically they looked great, yet they were tearing themselves apart. Then there was another girl in the room, Cady, she was the new girl and had not grown up in our culture.  She admits to thinking people were either fat or skinny, but quickly learns that is not the case.  Anyways, each girl goes around and says one trait they don't like and then they  turn to Cady to name something she doesn't like about herself. However, in her case she couldn't think of anything, except bad breath in the morning.  How AWESOME is that?!  I wish that was the mindset I had about myself.  Bad breath is not even a physical flaw...everyone has stank breath in the morning, so good for Cady!  We could all take something from this scene, and that is we need to stop tearing ourselves down because we think it's what we're supposed to do!
They say it takes 21 days to create a habit, so my challenge for you is to think of three things you like about yourself. Next, say those qualities out loud, everyday, for the next 21 days.  If that's seems like a daunting task, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, think about three parts of your body that you are thankful for and say that instead.  I will admit it feels awkward at first, but if you keep at it, it will become a routine for you in no time. Everyday I tell myself I love how my hair looks, I love my eyes, and I love my stomach.  Okay maybe I don't "love" my stomach, but I am thankful to have carried and delivered such a healthy baby, so I'm sticking with that.  If I can come up with three I know you can too!

Goodbye Al

Dear Alcohol,
I call you alcohol but you go by so many other names; life ruiner, crutch, downer, and death.  As much as I loved you, and turned to you with the hope that you would make my life better, I was wrong.  In fact, you did the opposite; you put me in places I never wanted to go, made me act foolishly on numerous occasions and had me contemplate the value of my life one too many times.  I put all of my time and energy into keeping you a major part of my life and in return you left me hopeless and alone.  I isolated from family and friends because they said you were no good for me, but I defended you and refused to believe they were right.  You were nothing but selfish, greedy, and and a facade.  My intentions were for you to make me happy and feel good about myself, and at first you did, but soon you turned me into a weak, selfish, lying, sneak.  For years I kept taking you back, and at the beginning things were better. I felt a sense of relief, and you made my problems seem manageable. Once again I was wrong, the problems that seemed small snowballed, and the bigger they got the faster I wanted to run from them.  You made think I was invincible, and on numerous occasions I put myself and others in harms way.  In addition, the people I associated with when I would allow you back into my life treated me worse than you did, but I continue to let them do so.  I put my faith and trust into you 100% and you just left me broken and alone. I know that this is the end of the road for us, I can't keep your toxic self a part of my life anymore.  I have too much to lose including the people who actually care about me and my well being.  All you ever wanted was to see me dead.  It's a shame more people aren't aware of the destruction you cause when they welcome you into their life.  There is so much wreckage and hurt that comes from you, and I pray they realize that sooner rather than later. I hope to never come in contact with you again, and good riddens.

                                                          Sincerely,
                                                       I am stronger than this

While in treatment they had us write good-bye letters to our DOC (drug of choice).  It was such a surreal experience to say goodbye to something that was apart of my life for so long. It gave me a sense of closure and after reading it out loud I was really able to see the damage alcohol had done. Writing about my experience, strength, and hope has definitely helped in my road to recovery. I have never been good about sharing my thoughts to other people verbally, but when I am able to write about it, everything I am thinking is able to come out.