Keep Your Dreams Alive

A little girl with bright blue eyes,

had hopes and dreams as high as the skies.

Thinking the world was full of good,

quickly she learned she was misunderstood.

She hoped and thought the best,

of the people in her life, the permanent ones and even the guests.

Time after time these people let her down, 

She feels like a fool, somebody's clown.

Why oh why does she let these people inside

to take up space when it's her life to decide.

A woman of dignity and of grace

what people think of her is none of her business and not her place.

One day she knows she will find that inner peace 

and the anxiety and fear will finally cease.

Everyday that passes she only gets stronger

criticism and judgements will affect her no longer.

What she thinks is important and matters

If only the negative committee in her head would stop the chatter.

As long as she keeps her side of the street clean

She will one day find that place that is serene.

A day at a time, that's what they say,

get out of her head and out of her own way.

That little girl has grown inside and out

and still has big dreams in a world full of doubt.

Though the road she is on is not an easy one 

she will trudge through the mud so that the fear has not won.

Keep on keeping on

towards the light, which shines upon.

Work in Progress

"I used to walk into a room full of people and wonder if they liked me, now I wonder if I like them." 

My first go with Al started ten years ago.  I was a young, shy, nieve girl who was incredibly uncomfortable in her own skin. Ed was my escape for the previous years because drinking wasn't an option for me growing up. However, the first time I had a drink this sudden sense of relief came over me. Something in my brain just clicked and it was like a miracle medicine for me. Then for the next ten years I chased, fought, and defended to get that feeling no matter what it took. I am able to look back now and see what I was trying to medicate was my undiagnosed anxiety. For years I figured everyone was given some kind of manual on life and my copy was left at the printer. In college, parties, family functions, dating, or any event I never felt okay being me. I constantly criticized everything I said or did around others. I always felt judged and never good enough. That was until I discovered Al. Al taught me how to have confidence and talk to others. Al showed me how to be comfortable in my own skin. Al worked and he worked very well. In college it was "acceptable" to drink the way I did, or at least I thought it was. That was the first time I justified my drinking, but it certainly wasn't my last. I assumed it was an okay thing to do because if I didn't drink I would be nervous. I specifically remember sitting in my car telling myself I am positive I'm not the only person that does this.  And the truth is I am probably not the only one.  In fact they have this amazing program known as AA and there are lots of people who have done similar things. However, is it "normal..." not so much. In fact, a lot of things Al told me to do were not normal, but since he took away my anxiety I never questioned him or blamed him for the added chaos in my life. When relationships were ruined it was their fault not Al's. When I would get into fights it was because people didn't know how to mind their own business. No matter what, it was NEVER Al's fault. I rationalized that since I was the one drinking or acting out, then the only one that would get hurt was me. It did not matter that my family was constantly worrying about me, or that ten year relationships were destroyed, or that my bank account was drained, it still only affected me. "There's a saying "all good things must come to an end." Only, the ironic part is he never was good for me, but I finally was able to see a glimmer of his damage. After all the time and energy I put into him, Al was betraying me. He stopped working like he used too, or I needed more of him to get the affect I was looking for. The confidence he once gave me turned into paranoia. Instead of going our I started to isolate and drink alone. Everything I wanted in life I was doing the opposite. Flash forward years later I wound up in a treatment center in Florida thinking to myself "how in the hell did I get here?!" Like it was some big mystery.  I remember trying to convince myself I wasn't bad enough to be there.  In AA they tell us we have built in forgetters, and that my friends is one of my biggest flaws. I tend to glamorize Al and only remember the good he did while forgetting the turmoil he causes the second I take a sip.  Jails, institutions, and death, this is where Al wants to take me. Luckily, I haven't experienced jail and God willing death either, but I had to go to treatment and it's not like the commercials you see on TV where they massage the disase out of you.  It was one of the hardest times of my life.  During that time I finally came to terms with the fact that I was powerless to Al and could no longer have him in my life. It was no easy decision to give him up, but as long as I am able to wake up each day and not worry about what I did the night before, I know it will be a better day than one associated with Al.

I Am More Than the Mistakes I Have Made

Everyone pretty much has a good understanding of the physical side effects that occur when a person is in a serious relationship with ED and AL, but how about the emotional side effects; or even more importantly what about the relationships that are ruined or hurt as a result.  My relationship with Ed and Al has been going on for 14 long years.  Which means for 14 years I have been lying and sneaking around so that I could keep that relationship alive. To think that I have been lying for fourteen years is sickening to me.  I am a pretty intelligent person and if I had a friend that was a liar, self-absorbed, and untrusting, chances are I would not be their friend for very long.  However, for those 14 years I have been blessed with people in my life that believed in me and have stuck by me.  Throughout that time I always thought those people were out to get me and wanted the worst for me, but boy was I wrong.  I had no idea how much my relationship with Al and Ed effected anyone else but me.  I thought since I was drinking or I was acting out on a behavior I was the only one that could get hurt.  Very far from the truth, but it wasn't until I experienced for myself how someone can be hurt by picking up a drink or acting out, did I realize it.  It happened when I was in treatment, and I believe I had about two months sober at that time.  Anyways, I had become very close with the people I had met, and when one of those people went out, I could finally understand what the people in my life have been dealing with for years.  When I found out that person drank, I felt completely betrayed, hurt, sad, confused, etc.  I could not understand how someone who has everything going for them would throw it away for a drink.  What's that saying.."the pot calling the kettle black."  The people in my life must have said the same thing about me when I was deep in my relationship with Al.  I had a loving family, a healthy baby, great friends, great job, graduated from college, a brand new car, pretty much had everything going for me.  Unfortunately though that was not enough. I was never happy. There was something missing from my life that I thought AL and Ed could fix.  If I could just be more confident, or if I could just lose those ten extra pounds, then maybe I would be happy with myself.  That was never the case, no matter how many pounds I lost, or how confident drinking made me, I was never satisfied.  The people in my life suffered because I was trying to find that instant fix that was never to be found.  I have heard many people say that "you should not regret the past nor shut the door on it," but when I think about everyone I have hurt, it seems like a daunting task.  Today I am trying to mend those relationships and some have been easier to fix than others.  My family has some of the most caring, compassionate, and understanding people.  After everything I have done, after every hole I have dug myself in to, they STILL want to help me and help me see the person they know I can be.  Although I have a lot of making up to do, I wanted to write about how thankful I am that I have these special people in my life.  I know without their support, and also the support from friends, I would not be in the same hopeful state that I am so grateful to be in.  If there is someone that is reading this that is deep in their relationship with ED and/or AL just remember that you are worth a better life.  You DESERVE a better life, and you are not the only one that is affected by the choices you are making.